Motherhood “TIPS”

The last 4 and a half months have been the best of my life. It is still hard for me to believe that a human even grew inside of me. Ah-mazing. It really is a miracle. Although testing at times,  would never change it for any amount of money ever. I just want to be with him 24 hours a day and I’m sure he is thinking “I wish she would stop kissing me!!!”.

There are a trillion things people will tell you about motherhood. Take it all with a grain of salt, or absorb it all up -its up to you. Here are a few things i have found so far;

  1. The first 6 weeks really are the hardest. SO HARD. There was no routine to begin with. Everything is on babies time. Hunter would want to be fed every 2 hours, even at night. SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS REAL AND IT SUCKS!! My husband and his useless nipples had great sleep in the spare room with the dogs (LOL hes still in there haaha) while mummy fed and never slept more than 1 hour at a time. (worth it) I was a little worried that i would suffer from post natal depression, given my history but so far so good. I felt most comfortable being a mum from around about 11 weeks. I don’t think this is a coincidence as this is when he started sleeping through the night!! (very lucky mum and dad right now)
  2. BREASTFEEDING – i have already written a post about breastfeeding which you can read here. No one told me how hard breastfeeding could be. Perhaps this didn’t work for us because Hunter went to the NICU without me, he was given a dummy to settle him, and he had a week being bottle fed. I couldn’t be there every feed as i was recovering and he was down the hall. It could have been my boobs, although i made enough milk, or perhaps we were both stressed out – him about not getting enough cause he would fall asleep and me because i couldn’t sleep as i would need to feed, pump and then sleep for an hour before i had to do it all over again. We made it 5 weeks. As i was being checked for possible breast cancer (if you didn’t read the link), it was advised that i stop to get a clear MRI. (cleared of any lumps yay) I was relieved when i was given an out of breastfeeding, but that never stopped the guilt. What i know now is, get over that guilt because your baby is being fed and no one knows and or cares if you have been fed my the breast or formula fed when you are older. Don’t feel guilty if it takes a while to do. Some ladies can do it straight away, some can’t even try, some have made choices not to breastfeed. Not your body/baby, not your problem.
  3. Clothing – my advice for this would be to not buy to many clothes before your baby shower!! So many beautiful clothes have gone unworn (unless they are onesies) and is now in the box for baby number 2. What i did was wear most of the things that were gifted to us, as they were so much cuter than anything i bought. (fashun, what) Anything with a hood is just plain annoying for when you rub their backs. Buy all the onesies with fold-able hand parts, if you have a baby like mine that will find any way to scratch his face with even non existent nails!!!
  4. Advice – listen to it, take it on board and then don’t do it LOL (unless you want to) – there will be a million pieces of advice thrown at you and people really just want to think that they are helping you. If you think that it may help, give it a go. If you think its silly, then ignore it. Personally i am listening to the nurses and maternal health ladies that i deal with. “Back in my day” types of advice get pushed to the back of my brain LOL. Not all babies are the same and things change. Being a first time parent is a learning experience. We need to figure this out for ourselves, unless its medical of course! I have made myself remember that if i ever give someone advice it would start with “This worked for us” rather than “DO THIS!!”. I am a woman who doesn’t ask for help and i like to do things myself. The exemption to this rule is my mother.
  5. Maternity leave – i am grateful that we have this available in Australia. I am happy to have my tax money helping mums or dads while they raise their babies. I can not imagine doing this and having to go back to work straight away. While sometimes i a bored out of my brains for a conversation, i am still excited i don’t have to go back until January haha (even though i love my job!), need to spend as much time with Hunter as i can.
  6. It’s ok to read books but like advice, take it loosely. I love to read up on everything because i am such a person who loves to be prepared. So many books say to put your baby down for the night at 7:30 pm. Hunter currently sleeps 10 hours, he would wake around 5-6 am. i like to put him to bed at 9-9:30 pm when i go to bed so he will wake at 7-7:30. Its working so far, but if he sleeps longer or wakes earlier, it changes his feed times and then bedtime.
  7. Try not to compare your babies –  I am doing my best to ignore back handed comments like “Well YOUR baby only sleeps well because hes not breastfed like MY baby”. Yes, formula is thicker than breast milk. There is a reason i stopped breastfeeding and it was hard. Just because your baby isn’t sleeping doesn’t mean u have to rub it in that you can still breastfeed. Possibly that’s me looking into things so much mixed with a little residual guilt but i am still emotional LOL.
    ENJOY YOUR BABY!!! Don’t feel bad that you don’t get out of your pajamas all day or that the dishes from 4 days ago are sitting on the bench. When you die, your tombstone is not going to say “Kept a tidy house”, it might say, “was a loving mother/father”. Lets get those cuddles and snuggly days in while we can, they grow up so quickly!

RB xx


MRI Completed

Hey guys,

Haven’t updated in a while because I’ve had my hands full with little man!!

Had my MRI, which was scary as hell but only lasted 20 minutes. I got to wear this sexy has hell gown – hot damn. 

The good news is, I’m clear of breast cancer! No lumps or no bumps. Weirdly they can’t say why my breast was bleeding but no news is good news he said. (You can read the whole story here)

Feeling on top of the world.

RB xx

10 year blogiversary

This year marks 10 years of blogging!

Up until recently, nothing exciting has happened in my life worth writing about. So thanks to the people who have been reading on my various blogging platforms through thick and thin.

I have had a bittersweet relationship with writing online. I started blogging anonymously on tumblr about weight loss. It ended up being a picture blog about skinny models and whinging why I never looked like them (the answer is junk food and no exercise), it was then I fell into the more health and fitness side of things. I began lite and easy and lost around 12 kilos and started going to the gym. I made some friends with likeminded people and met them in real life. I then blogged about my mental health to show other people that nothing is to be ashamed of. It is normal to not be ok. It was with this blog that I found my purpose and I created this blog, which I have posted to and deleted a million times. The amount of friends that messaged me telling me they were surprised of my struggles and that they suffer themselves. I have given my advice to a few friends and are greatful that they reached out to me. Still, my door is always open!

To me, writing is a way to get everything off my chest. I feel better when I write my stories down, it is therapy. I have tried a diary but the feeling is not the same. This has never been about how many followers I have or how many clicks I receive but I must admit, I like the feeling of connecting to others if they are feeling the same.

The purpose of this post is to admit that I’m not sure where this blog is going. I am such a post-and-delete type of girl. Why would I post if I know I will want to delete it later on? What is the point of posting if I don’t want it on the web forever? 

The internet is such a wonderful and shit place. So much information here for us to access, learn and play with. However all I see on Facebook and blogs are people being negative and blasting them. Besides one time I was called fat (mind you I was 15 kg lighter and skinny lol) there has been no negative comments thank god, however if they came, I couldn’t deal with it. I’m too sensitive. Lol. Just look at Em Russiano, she had a miscarriage and openly talked about it. People are accusing her of “milking it”. This is DISGUSTING. My thoughts go out to Em and her partner.

I also don’t want to be a Mummy blogger in the sense of telling my sons day by day acheievements. If my son is anything like my husband, he wouldn’t want the world to know what he is doing. I post pics of Hunter because he is the cutest but I don’t want to post every single of his life details. He is my life now and other than him, I’m not sure how I can continue at the moment. 

I’m not saying that this is the end of my blogging road. Strangers seem to comment more than people I know and I’m not sure I like the idea of that.

Bye for now πŸ™‚


*cute pics will still be posted on Insta cause cute πŸ˜πŸ‘ΆπŸΌπŸ˜‚

Breasts and MRI’s

In my last post, I wrote briefly about how hard it is to breastfeed Hunter. I am simply not enjoying it at all and because it’s difficult, I have been staying home to try and focus on getting him into a routine. It hasn’t really worked and I don’t want to get into my old habits that I had when I had anxiety, where i would stay at home cause I was most comfortable there.

At 32 or so weeks, I started producing colostrum. In my right breast, just one duct was leaking blood. The nurses at Casey hospital told me that this is something called “rusty pipes” (which is made up and explained that sometimes this just happens) When I was in hospital, I started to express milk to bring to Hunter in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and the blood in my right boob milk was making that u drinkable. Too much blood upsets his already delicate stomach especially since one of the reasons he was still in the hospital was because there was blood in his belly. The nurses here were worried about my bleeding  and sent me down to get an ultrasound. What else did I need this time… It was not fun in hospital, it felt like everything went wrong. They were looking for a lump to rule out cancer. Luckily, the ultrasound showed nothing out of the ordinary and it stopped after 3 days of pumping.

They referred me to the breast specialist just incase and today was my appointment. Mind you it was an 8:45am appointment and I waited 2 hours 😑… once I got in, he had a feel of my boobs and even though I went in to the clinic empty (I expressed so he could have a good feel) he took so long that my milk built back up and leaked all over him haha. Serves you right buddy!!

He asked me how keen I was on breastfeeding because he wants to do an MRI on me but to do an MRI you cannot have any breastmilk or interferes with seeing things on the test apparently. I feel like it’s already been decided for me I am to stop breastfeeding… it’s a sign lol. I’m sure everything will be fine but it’s just to rule out any lumps and bumps. I’m sure it was just hormonal. I still feel guilty that breastfeeding hasn’t been easy for me. I believe that a fed baby is best but I am so into natural things that I feel bad that I can’t do it.

The test will be in around 6 weeks, I need to slowly reduce my supply and then wait 4 weeks for it to fully dry up. Bring on the cabbage bras!

Hopefully all the difficult things for us will be put behind us soon.

Love spending time with my little man, he’s worth all the issues.

RB xxx

Post birth feels

It has now been one month since little Hunty was born. Man he’s cute, but then again I am biased.

I’ve had a while now to put together all the pieces of what happened 4 weeks ago. It was really hard to figure out how long I was in hospital and where i was on what day – endone, you are the devil!!

One thing that i can’t stop thinking about is that I felt like I never got that “moment” of excitement when you first see your baby. Probably because everything went down hill so quickly with my labour. I went the whole day and night being told that I would have him naturally (was up for a safe birth, any way that they thought was best, c section included) and was waiting for that moment of seeing him come out and him being put on my chest. Alternatively if he was a regular c section, they would have passed Hunter on to Will and put him near my head so I could see him for the first time. What i feel weird about was the fact that I never saw him come directly from me. Like he was inside of me but it was hours before i got to meet him. I feel like I was robbed at that special moment. Ultimately I am happy that everyone ended up safe and healthy and thank you for the midwifes, doctors and surgeons that helped us!

The first time I met Hunter for one minute before they took him to Clayton hospital hours after he was born.

I kind of feel that because they didn’t let me eat any food they knew a ceasear could be on the cards, instead of letting me push for 2 hours and then him moving down into my pelvis, it could have been avoided by just deciding to do a regular cesearean before? Anyway, it’s over and done with and if I fall pregnant again, I will need to deliver at Clayton hospital as my pregnancy will be considered as high risk.

“J” incision cesearean – when it was cleaned up. Look at that bruise! πŸ˜‘

My scar is now infected and is hurting again. But oh man, nothing is more scary than that first sneeze or cough after the operation 😭 I cried so hard, it felt like my stiches popped!!!  As you can see from the picture, the bottom stiches are done differently than the “up” side. The up side is the part that’s infected. I have antibiotics and I’m taking the second course now. Of course the recovery can’t be that easy can it lol! The funny thing was, they did the first incision and I vomited while I was open hahaha 

Hunter is doing really well! He’s 4.5 kilos and gaining weight. The only thing is that I have found breastfeeding really hard because he was in the special care nursery and was given a dummy and bottles and he’s used to those shaped teats. He falls asleep on my breast and won’t wake no matter what I do… I have to use the nipple sheild so he’s a little less lazy but man it’s hard. I’m not enjoying it at all really. I’m seeing the lactation consultant next week so I’ll stick it out until then. If it doesn’t work out for me then we may have to switch to formula. I feel guilty even thinking of it but if it’s less stressful for both of us then it would be the right thing to do.

The first 8 days while he was in hospital went really slow but since he came home, that time has flown by so quickly.

I’m so in love with him β€οΈπŸ’™.

RB xx

Hunter’s Birth story

*contains sadness- let’s be honest*

Just into the 9 month mark, at 37 weeks, our little man decided he was ready to come into the world!

On April fools day, just before it ticked over to the 2nd of April, Shadow, my dog was more clingy than she has been and was cuddling up to my stomach and would just not leave me alone!  I was just about to turn the tv off to go to sleep and I felt like a quick and painless “pinch” down there. I thought it was a little weird, then because I was lying down, I thought I was starting to pee really slowly…so I stood up and waddled to the toilet leaving a small trail of liquid, then a big gush of clear water that just never stopped coming. I had a fear that will wouldn’t be home at the time because he works on the other side of the city most of the time, but as it was Saturday night, he had finished his work for the day.

I called out to Will and told him “babe, I’m pretty sure my waters just broke”! He ran to get my phone to call the midwife and she told us to come in to check the baby was ok. It was a weird and surreal feeling as there was no contractions! When we got to the hospital, they put me on the monitor and so we sat there for an hour to make sure he was ok. They then sent us home and said to think about the possibility of being induced on Monday, as if labour didn’t start in the next 48 hours, the baby and I are at risk for infection. (Funny thing, my mum’s waters broke and she had to be induced with me!)

I went back to the hospital at 1pm the next day (technically the same day lol) for another monitoring and was told that if he didn’t come overnight then they will book me in for an induction on Tuesday morning. I was to come back on Monday for another screen and she would book in the induction. Before we left, she showed us the birthing suite, now it all felt real. We left the hospital with a hug from the midwife, who was lovely, but was not the one I had seen since the beginning. I think this made me more nervous.

I couldn’t sleep all night!

At 7am on the morning of Tuesday the 4th of April, we walked into the hospital and was taken directly to the birthing suite. We were told to relax and put out things around the room and that will help us be more calm. I couldn’t believe we were going to meet our little man so soon. I was given a few needles and they put the bung in my arm prepairing to give me some medicine to induce labor,she called it jungle juice!

Everything was pretty boring from then on. Will was sitting on the couch playing with this phone I was just relaxing on the bed. It wasn’t till about 10 o’clock that I started feeling little movements in my uterus. She examined me and found that i was only one centimeter dilated. The medication she gave me needed to be turned up as labour wasn’t progressing fast enough so she gave me an internal exam and it hurt so much and this wasn’t even the later she knew straight away I was going to have a low pain threshold lol. She offered me an epidural and we waited for the anesthesiologist to arrive. At 12 o’clock he arrived and prepped me for the big needle, surprisingly I managed to stay still and it didn’t hurt one bit thank God! Epidurals really are a gift from God! it’s the best thing that I have ever done. My left side had a tiny bit of feeling but they said that was OK so I knew where to push,there was no pain.

After the jungle juice started kicking in once it was turned up, I then progressed to 2 cm dilated by 2 o’clock. By 4 o’clock I was 7 cm dilated it jumped up pretty quickly and they were very happy. They noticed my contractions were a little irregular and I was not having a rest between contractions which meant my stomach was pretty much hard the whole time. They told me that I better not eat anything just in case but I needed another birth option. From then on my epidural kept wearing off little by little. I started making little noises just trying to breathe through the contractions that I could feel. Every time I looked over at Wil he looked so bored I can’t even be mad because I know how boring it would be sitting there waiting especially when I wasn’t weathering in pain! He was so good he would get me some water, come over and give me a rub gently and to hold my hand. 

The doctors kept coming in every now and then they weren’t happy with my contractions still. When It got to 11 pm, I was told we were ready to push! I quite enjoyed pushing, I feel like I was counteracting the pain of the contraction by pushing back at it. It did feel like my bowel would fall out my bum because I could feel pressure and couldn’t tell how hard my pushes wereπŸ˜‚. After 2 hours of pushing and hand squeezing, I was told to stop as we had reached the maximum pushing time. My stomach was still hard and not relaxing. The doctors came in and said “alright guys, we need to look at other options. We would like to take you downstairs (theatre) to try and get the baby out with forceps and if that doesn’t work, we need to perform an emergency c section”. All I thought at this moment was, well you obviously thought this may have been an option if you never let me eat so couldn’t you have done this before I had to push!?! A c section wasn’t ideal, simply because of the recovery time but as long as we were both safe, then let’s get him out now.

Straight away I was read all this information about a c section and made to sign the waiver. I started to get a bit nervous and I knew Will wanted this operation to be the last resort, but unfortunately this was the only way to get him out safely.

We entered the theatre at 1:52 am on the 5th of April. (This is a sign, see this post!!) I was pumped with 5 times as much epidural medicine as you have in a delivery room and I was nice and numb. I was shaking like I was having small seizures, probably adrenaline, nerves and drugs! I was drugged up more for that. Will stood by my side watching the whole operation. I can’t believe he didn’t pass out! 

They quickly discovered that the forceps were not going to work and his head was already 1/4 of the way into my pelvis. This is when everyone started buzzing around to start the emergency c section. I was off in my own little world – I remember thinking about random stuff the whole time, like when you try to get to sleep and the most random thoughts come into your mind. They began the c section and quickly learnt that his head was stuck in my pelvis. The minute they realized that they lost control, they told Will to sit down (he watched the whole thing) and they got the midwives to push the baby in various directions  to try and maneuver him out. It didn’t work so they found a foot and tried to pull him out by his feet. It felt like there were people on top of me, it wasn’t painful but the pressure was so intense.

Before the surgery, I told Will to just listen for the baby crying. When Hunter came out he was not crying. Because I was out of it I didn’t really notice but I thought “maybe he’s dead” in a really matter of fact way. I felt like I was in a dream and that nothing was really real. Will turned to me and said “oh wait the babies out, I see his hand and foot”, he didn’t hear a cry either.I listen to the doctors say to Will “do you want to go with the baby or do you want to stay with Rikki.” I told him to go with Hunter. They resuscitated him and put in a breathing tube and took him away.

He looked like he had been in a fight

As I write this I realize I’ve never asked WillπŸ’™ what he was doing with Hunter while I was still in surgery. They stitched me up and I went to recovery and I was so out of it I was talking about sausage dogs for no reason and the nurses were laughing at me. They were trying to explain what it happened in the surgery but I just didn’t understand I’m glad I didn’t at the time.

All I remember is the same morning, them telling me they need to take him to Monash Clayton to the NICU. So as I hadn’t even seen him since he was born at 2:33am, at 6:00am, they organized to bring him past in his portable hospital crib where he was strapped in with a seat belt and so many wires. I got to touch him on the leg for 1 minute before they took him away. 

I’m not sure how long I was at Casey Hospital before they moved me to Clayton. I knew they originally didn’t have a bed for me. It felt like weeks, even today I don’t know what day it it’s. (By the way, maternity ward at Clayton is called 52 North, no joke.)

The minute I got to Clayton, I got to see him a bit more. It was hard because I couldn’t walk there and I was so sore I felt guilty when I had to go back to the room to rest. He was in good hands but I just wanted him with me.

Our journey is still going. Hunter has been in the NICU and then in special care since his birthday and a week ago tomorrow was the day that I was induced. He had blood in his stomach so that needed to be monitored and he is hopefully being transferred back to Casey Hospital tomorrow so we can be closer to him. 

Please cross your fingers he can come home soon. 

Hunter has eyes like his mummy

Birthing a child is an amazing experience. I am just greatful that during the surgery I didn’t know what was going on with Hunter. To any parents to be reading this, I was told this was a rare birth experience so please do not be put off by your birth. The worst part about it has been being away from Hunter.

Thanks to everyone for your messages, I probably haven’t replied to you all but this is such a hard time for us and I don’t really know how to cope so it’s easier to just keep to myself.

Love you all and can’t wait for you to meet him. He’s beautiful.


The second 20 weeks (or in my case, 17 weeks!)

It was fair to say that after 20 weeks, pregnancy was a lot more enjoyable!

Once the morning sickness disappeared, I was so much happier and has so much more energy. There was basically no complaints for at least 2 months.

When 28 weeks arrived, I noticed a few things;

  • My right boob was leaking colostrum already!
  • Walking was hurting my stomach ligaments even more
  • Waddling a lot more
  • I thought I was huge and couldn’t get any bigger (clearly I was wrong!)

Once I got to 30 weeks;

  • THE LEG CRAMPS, HOLY SHIT 😫 worse than the cramps I used to get every now and then when I did Irish dancing
  • Peeing increased, never thought it could pee more than I already had been
  • Going for walks is just not a good idea 
  • Getting to lunch time at work and nearly falling asleep 😴 
  • More booby leakage
  • Stretch marks finally came in at 32 weeks… been waiting for you little suckers. 
  • I had no belly button. Alien!

Past 35 weeks;

  • The babies head was so far in my vagina that I felt like there was a belt going across each side of my vagina that it would snap like a belt lol
  • Tired, tired, tired, probably should have finished work at 36 weeks BECAUSE
  • My waters broke at exactly 37 weeks. LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER I FINISHED WORK! I TOLD everyone he would come early, I could quite literally “feel it in my waters” haha there went my plan to cook yummy meals for me to freeze while on maternity leave so I didn’t have to cook when baby comes πŸ˜‚

Pregnancy is such a wonderful thing. It is so amazing that two people coming together (…. LOL) can create a life. Women are totally unbelievable in the way that they can carry a baby for 9 months and watch their bodies change to accommodate this. Go us! 

I was asked what pregnancy felt like to me and it changed depending on which trimester I was in.

  • An amazing experience 
  • Not enjoyable a lot of the time
  • Uncomfortable
  • Feeling baby move is everything 😍
  • Being impatient
  • This is what life is about!
  • Worth it

I am so lucky to have had this experience and to share it with my lovely husband.

*As I finished the end of this post, my waters had broken with no contractions. My next post will be a birth experience story (I need to write it down to get it out, it was traumatic 😫). Please don’t think I sat in labour and wrote this whole blog πŸ˜‚*

RB πŸ’™